Today Is the Day

There are certain days in your life that can't be forgotten.

This is one.

This photo captured the day we told the boys their sister had a life-limiting genetic condition called Trisomy 18.  This photo was taken just moments before our lives as we knew it would be no more.

Everly was born in February 20, 2014.  Unlike most, we did not have a confirmed prenatal diagnosis of Trisomy 18.  At our 20 week check up, there was a concern and then at 23 weeks, there was a suspicion of T18.  However, in the subsequent weeks, that concern went by the wayside and it was thought to be a congenital heart defect alone. 

Nothing more.

On Everly's 5th day of life, our doctor sat us down and gave us news that would forever change our lives.  Our perfect little girl had a chromosomal defect that the medical community considers fatal.  That day we began to grieve the loss of the life we thought we would share with her. 

The news shattered us.  Devastated our family.  Brought to light fears we never even knew existed.

We spent one full day letting the news soak in before we had the boys come to the hospital to share with them as well.  How do you prepare to tell your children something so awful?  Garren, at age 15, knew as soon as we started to speak what we were going to say.  He remembered the 3 week period early on in my pregnancy the doctor suspected Trisomy 18.  It was such a difficult day to watch the agony, the questioning, the confusion and to know not only could you NOT do anything about it but you felt the exact same way as their parent. 

I look back and remember the anxiety we had as adults thinking about telling the boys their sister may not make it home.  To us, we only knew what we were told...most babies don't make it but a very brief time after birth. 

So, we had no expectation she would then spend 11 glorious months with us...experiencing the BEST life!  No, on this day, we thought we should begin preparing for the end.  We didn't reach our point of hope until we began to listen to HER and let HER lead us!  It was then that we began to look toward our newly created BUCKET LIST for her with excitement, hope and joy!  Our list started with just riding in the van, feeling the sun on her face, sleeping in her house.  Who would EVER guess this special BABY BUCKET LIST would include riding in a BOAT, visiting the MOUNTAINS, and meeting SANTA CLAUS??  Not only did we get to do her first little list of three things but her list grew to eventually top 100 AMAZING experiences we shared as a family!

 
What is a challenge for us is why other families do not get this chance?  Why even our family didn't get to see one year?  Five years?  Or her lifetime?  It's impossible to not ask this difficult questions.  I can only answer that it is not us in charge and our God does turn ALL things for good.  Why do we need to experience what seems like the depths of HELL to get to the GOOD?  We will not fully understand in this lifetime.  That I know.  Common platitudes given in times of crises fall on deaf ears when you've lost a child.  Ask who has experienced it.  However, I can tell you that the peace we feel comes from knowing that He is in control and that He walks beside us, carrying us as necessary.  It is not true that God will not give us more than we can handle.  I can tell you firsthand that losing my Everly was 100% no doubt, absolutely more than I could handle alone.  Without Him, I would not be able to get out of bed, function for my two boys, move forward.  No, it IS because of HIM that I CAN choose JOY each and every day. 

So, I look at this picture taken when Everly was 6 days old, 1 day before my 41st birthday, and I am so grateful that our family CHOSE life for Everly. 

We chose to spend each and every day living in the moment, being intentional in our time.  We made this choice on good days and on bad days.  Our Sweet Pea's diagnosis would not stop us from LIVING, from experiencing.  Yes, it was hard and yes, there were challenges.  But our desire to be purposeful with our hours, days, weeks was a conscious decision. 

One that we remain so grateful for...each and every day. 
 
You might not be in the same situation we were in, you might not have a medical diagnosis.  But if you are not living your life to the fullest, today is the day you can make a change.  Small steps. 

Enjoy this moment.  Do something you love.  Live with purpose. Strive to make a difference.  Have no regrets.

Be intentional in your interactions, plans, life, relationships. 
 
Today is the day.  Do it for Everly.  Do it for yourself. 

 

I'd really love to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment.

With love,
Crystal

The Other Side of the Mountain

Shortly after Everly left our arms, Jimmy and I decided to make our annual trip (sans children) to the mountains to hike a section of the Appalachian Trail.  We celebrated our 10 wedding anniversary back in March and it's been a challenging year to say the least.  So, it made sense to seek out a little peace, comfort and relaxation that we've come to find on the trail in the past.

A pilgrimage of sorts this year, though, in fact.  

So off we went.

Time to hit the trail!  Nothing like a straight up climb to get you started!



Our first vista of the trip and our first encounter with a human (lol)!

Stopping for lunch

Nothing but green surrounding us.

One of our campsites

Rainy day hike...turned out to be our favorite.

Dinner time cooking!

Pretty awesome trail crew from Virginia making the hike a better experience!
The were working SO hard out there and hiked up, then down Tray Mountain two days in a
row to get the work completed. 

Love him!  Beautiful pop of color hiding beneath the green!

Found tons of snails this trip and loved each one.

Ahhh...a flat trail for all of 3 minutes

We realized quite quickly, however, once on the trail that the timing wasn't right for this trip.  The tears began to flow.  Our hearts began to ache.  The sadness seeped in.  We were just lost. 

Maybe it was too soon for this. Three months isn't anything considering the devastation we faced each day.  The pain is too raw, the emotions too deep.

Thanks to advice from my mom when I squeezed a call in to her on our first evening out on the trail, Jimmy and I decided that the best thing for us to do would be to leave the "work" of the trail.  You see, backcountry hiking and camping is not easy.  It's constant work...trekking to find the water source, setting up and taking down tent, pad, sleeping bag daily, and the hiking up and down of elevations.  This physical output coupled with our already exhausted bodies from our grief,  which negatively affects your body, and the year we had before was just too much.  We hadn't had a chance to rest, really rest our bodies and our minds from all that we've gone through since her birth.  It goes without saying of course, we would go our WHOLE lives without rest if we could have her back, though. 

As circumstances would have it, we were already so deep into the trail, it took us two more days of hiking to reach a point where we could be picked up.  During that period of time, we reflected on Everly, all the memories, the funny moments and, yes, the sadness, too.  We allowed ourselves time to grieve, to cry, to be free to let the emotions flow. 

And flow they did.

Many moments like this

And this, though you can't see,  I'm likewise full of emotion.

In the "real world," we display a false bravado many times.  Some moments it really isn't false and we feel "okay" for that time.  Some moments, it's because we know that our grief can be uncomfortable.  We are aware that sometimes when we speak about her and our feelings at particular times, on particularly challenging days, it can change the mood so we avoid that at almost all costs when in conversation, putting a positive spin on the situation somehow. But it's exhausting trying to do this much of the time. 

But, while we were hiking, it was just us for hours and hours each day, trekking miles up mountains and down mountains.  Gives one a lot of time to talk...and to cry. We didn't have to hide, stifle or curtail what we were feeling.  I lost count of how many times, I just burst into tears...total silence, nothing around for miles and miles...then bam, the tears just came.  Then Jimmy would hear behind me and he would follow suit.  Repeat, repeat, repeat. 

The days we spent on the trail were the right amount for us to get out much sadness we had been holding back.  We were ready to take a break...a real break...when we left it. Though we didn't stay the length of time we planned and though our trip before was beyond phenomenal, we knew it was time to call it.

Through what can ONLY be described as divine intervention, we found the perfect cabin in about 5 minutes of me trying to find somewhere on a whim.  There are so many reasons for me to know this to be the case to list but trust me when I tell you that God orchestrated this place for us at this time. 

Yes, that is the name.  How fitting is that?  God just sees to ALL the details...big and small!
**If you would like to know more about this fabulous cabin rental, send me an email and I'd be happy to give you the details.  The owners are a class act and their property breathtaking!**

 

A wonderful selection of Christian books.  The owner, Joy, shared with me when I contacted her about the cabin
that she was a Christian and asked if she could pray with me.  I'm not usually emotional with strangers but something about her and trying to explain why we wanted the cabin that very day without any planning caused me to lose my composure.  She even took the time to come learn more about our sweet girl and her story when we hung up the phone, too.
 



This got me.  Only one pillow in the entire place with a quote and this is what it says:  Rest for your soul. 
Matthew 11:29   Likely coincidence?  I think not.  God knows what we need and when we need it.

As I sit here now typing, I look out over the mountain range that just days before we were traversing and today feel rested.  My body and my soul are unwinding in a way that I wasn't able to get on the AT this time.  I know we will be back at it when the timing is right...we love it and we crave that time out there hiking.  However, God knew (and my mom, I might add) that this wasn't this week. 

This is what this broken hearted mama needed.  I found my comfort reflecting in God's providence.
He is the ONE who can shelter, comfort and protect.  He knows our every need, desire and He holds
our tears in His hands.  He provided for us in more ways than one just like He always does. 

I think I might have been looking for something more than peace and relaxation with our hike trip.  I think it's possible in some kind of irrational way I was searching for Everly.  Of course, intellectually I know she wasn't there but my broken-mama-heart thought I could "find" her again...if only for a minute.  When the realization sunk in that she was gone, really gone from this earth, it just became too much. 









Though we were in the mountains and I was seeking her out, it became clear to me after the first day that I need to seek Him out and by doing that, in time, I will find peace. 

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth. 

Psalm 121:1-2


You see, sometimes I get so wrapped up in what I've lost with my sweet baby, that I forget to lay my eyes and my heart upon all that I have in Him.  I love, love my mountains, but the help I need can't be found there.  As I'm finding, my surroundings are allowing me time to decompress, get still and be quiet so that I CAN find Him and He can comfort and walk with me through this. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flames scorch you.


Isaiah 43:2  

He has carried me, us, for all these many months.  He has never forsaken me, even on those so very dark days that the abyss seems so dark and so deep that there is no way out, I know that He carries me even, especially, then.  Faith in His  promises will continue to remind me of this. 

Friends, take heart.  No matter what pain you have now or in your past, God wants to be there with you.  He does care and He doesn't want you to do this life alone.  He desires a relationship with us.  You know the statement:  "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  Well, it's only partially correct because we were never intended to "do" this life alone.  Just like in the famous Footprints poem, He is carrying you when you don't see that second set of footprints.  Remember that. 

And, though, I tried to seek out my sweet Everly in the mountains, I realized that on this side of the mountain, I need to continue to seek Him out.   

I'll see them both on the other side of the mountain. 

.